Save the Salmon and Other Causes To Embrace!

The Great Cow Conspiracy and Salmon Cover Up.

Despite a cornucopia of conspiracies and cover-ups exposed daily it is surprising to me one of the most devious of all cover-ups has succeeded in operating in total secrecy.

How do I know?

Through an accident of fate, I was witness to a conversation quite unwittingly while shopping for fish at the Santa Monica fish market.

That’s right, had I not been debating fired shrimp or tilapia for dinner, I might never have added this frightening cover up to my list of investigative journalistic accomplishments.

So it is with great sadness I must expose to you the devious plan of the cattle of America to destroy the salmon population of the world.

You may scoff, but if you were a salmon would you be so disconnected from this grievous manipulation?

Can you imagine my shock and dismay when, while pondering tilapia I heard the desperate cries of two salmon encased in ice?

Their little voices broke my heart, as I stood appalled by what I was hearing.

“Do not buy us, it’s a lie, it’s all a lie. Eat red meat!!!”

I looked around but the woman next to me was deep in a discussion with the fish monger about the proper way to prepare soft-shelled crabs, and the man nearby was checking out the woman in a halter top struggling to encase a new set of store-bought boobs, and losing badly I might add.

I was the only hope for the pitiful salmon’s circumstances.

A smart investigative reporter knows better than to expose a source, so I walked closer to the counter and nonchalantly perused the Old Bay seasonings.

“It’s a lie, the beef industry made it all up. Dr. Oz is a steak stooge.”

Dr. Oz, blasphemy! No way would Dr. Oz lie. A man who holds livers and spleens above his head for us to examine? How could he? It couldn’t be? What was this?

Of course I immediately counted down the days from the last glass of wine I’d had and it had been weeks. No, not drunk, no way could it be pills? Pot? Don’t use it? I get enough munchies on my own. If I smoked pot I would be at Krispy Kremes instead of this fish market. So was I hallucinating?

I was in Santa Monica after all.

No, I heard it loud and clear. The truth came pouring forward like a tsunami in Asia.

The cattle industry had begun a campaign to create a false health scare and force people to eat salmon.

They were laughing and chewing their cud in peaceful harmony, while the salmon of the world were swimming for their poor little lives.

No longer safe anywhere, they had become the blue plate special in every restaurant and household in America.

Dilled, diced, pattied or creamed they were on every menu. There were more ways to prepare salmon than to hate Congress. It was out of control.

What was a poor salmon to do when the cows were winning the PR war?

Ask Israel they have experience.

As a reporter I had an obligation to expose this travesty. How many salmons must die, how many fish must hide and lie about their ethnicity.

The world was out to kill salmon and the lies grew stronger every day.

Healthier, less calories, good for diets, cholesterol, blood pressure, getting stains out of clothes, blood, brains and there was nothing a salmon couldn’t do except save us from Washington.

Although there are extreme groups that claim to be testing salmon on politicians to see if it affects gray matter in the brain. So far no luck they are still all brain dead.

So who is funding these cows?

Who is spreading the lies?

Who wants us to believe that cows should be left in peace and salmon should be eaten?

Who is behind this and could even Edward Snowden expose these villains?

More salmon are being rounded up and killed than Jews in the pogroms.

What can we do to stop this insanity?

Who will take on these cows that have usurped the protein power and are running the mealtime show in America?

I have begun a charity to fund an underground railroad for salmon and we will be taking them to hide out in Texas.

Not even the beef in Texas can keep a cattleman from his T-bone.

They will be safe there until the salmon supporters of the world can stop this deadly assault and restore some seafood sanity to the world. If we have to throw paint on people eating salmon in restaurants and on the streets of the world’s capitals, we must prevail.

All contributions are welcome.

Meanwhile I must prepare to do battle with this surfer ordering two pounds of salmon next to me.

"Hey, Dude, put the fish down and step away from the counter?"